Spectrum
You have to believe in yourself.
You have to own your reality.
You have to learn self-respect no matter the cards you’re dealt.
That being said, there’s a spectrum I’ve been learning more about.
I had an unexpected brain hemorrhage (technically two) in 2014.
Most people I meet today have no idea that I went through that trauma.
I’ve worked very hard
and recovered very well, considering.
But sometimes they see my thumb brace if I’m wearing it...
Or maybe my ankle brace...
Or they notice that I have a hitch in my giddy-up...
And many ask, because they're not used to seeing someone as young as me with chronic physical limitations...
It must be a sports injury or something.
And they always mean well, no doubt.
Or sometimes they simply ask me, “what do you do?” You know, for work.
That is also complicated to explain, because my professional life and lack thereof the past few years has been hugely affected by my brain trauma as well.
Sometimes when I tell people the truth, I wish I hadn’t...
They become very uncomfortable.
And yet this uncomfortable truth has been a major part of my life since it happened.
People in my life who know me well know all about my brain hemorrhage and recovery, of course.
They try to relate, but they never will no matter how much I try to explain my version of reality to them.
They constantly give me suggestions.
“Have you tried...”
They mean absolutely the best, I know...
And I appreciate that.
But there’s still an assumption behind their loving, benevolent gestures...
That I’m not good enough as long as I still have deficits.
That I’m not trying my absolute best.
That it’s impossible for me to be completely happy or live my best life until I am completely back to ‘normal.’
I do not blame people or resent them for these attempts at empathy.
I know that this is another lesson from the trauma that I must face for the sake of self-respect.
And I will be tailoring my reactions my whole life as we all do.
But being treated differently is surreal and hard to get used to.
Especially when you’ve lived most of your life relatively privileged...
White...
Heterosexual...
Physically and mentally fit.
I will not pretend that my experience is comparable to anybody else’s...
But this feeling of being treated differently for something you cannot control makes me think of how:
people of color,
LGBTQ individuals,
other people with disabilities,
and other marginalized groups... have had to adjust as well.
Many are much better-accustomed to it than I am...
They’ve been dealing with it their whole lives.
I’m just on my third year.