Dark Night of the Soul
Dark Nights of the Soul are part of everyone's life - a very important part. They're the inescapable hells we endure, and you either learn new forms of strength to get through them and grow, or you fail and adapt. You can call them extremely hard times; that's exactly what I mean when I mention dark nights of the soul (DNS). I've only recently come to learn the term, but to me it perfectly describes the severe pitfalls we go through in life. Plus it just sounds so metal and rad!
The term Dark Night of the Soul comes from Catholicism, and is described as "painful periods of setback and disillusionment," as well as "the source of profound change in an individual." A DNS is about losing control in life, but the trick is that it can equate to positive change if you allow it to. This notion is obviously not recognized only by Catholicism - nobody in this world is spared from dark times. Everybody knows that there are good ways to deal with difficult times, and bad ways. This can be confusing though, especially when you're in the midst of a DNS.
In a broad sense, the key lesson to be learned from a DNS is to distinguish the ego from the soul. The Mills Longitudinal Study has shown that allowing oneself to set the ego aside and truly process a DNS is associated with positive self-transformation, maturity, greater mental and physical health, and increased satisfaction in life. But someone going through a DNS does not necessarily come out stronger, or even transformed. It's quite common for people going through a DNS to try and force their way out of it with false pride. People hate darkness, they fear it, and many believe that it can and should be avoided at all costs. In our neurotic, ambition-driven American culture, when we're going through an intensely difficult phase we often shrug it off and try to ignore the pain. Pull yourself up by the bootstraps and carry on, so to speak. We also have a health care system that teaches us to take a pill to fix symptoms and move on. You're often considered weak if you go deep and acknowledge your emotions or spirit. But in fact, just the opposite is true.
DARKNESS IS REAL, so very real. You will never truly escape it. There are the people floating around through life who believe, whether they think of it in terms like this or not, that it works to only live in the light . . . but until they surrender and allow themselves to grow from the darkness too, they're shorting themselves . . . and never actually escaping. These are the great pretenders of life. They're everywhere. They probably outweigh those who surrender. I personally know and love many great pretenders, and I love them no less for fearing darkness. Nobody's better than anybody else. And boy oh boy, I get it. I've been there. It's not pleasant to let go and allow yourself to feel deeply.
I suppose now is a good time to touch on my biggest DNS so far (I really hope it's the biggest I'll ever endure, but life is unpredictable I've learned). In early August of 2014, I was just living a fun, hopeful, lighthearted life - working a job I loved, planning for graduate school, having a great time with friends and my boyfriend - when an immense DNS sprung onto me full force. I had no choice but to acknowledge it was there; it had suddenly reared its ugly head so powerfully that I couldn't even walk or see straight.
I don't think you can ever see a DNS coming or feel that they come at a convenient time, but I deeply resented the timing of this one for a long time. I wanted a big change, just not the brain-hemorrhage kind of change. I was feeling stagnant in my life before, and eagerly on the brink of finally making a big (although obscure) post-college move that would positively change my life forever. But it wasn't to be. And for awhile, I was unsure if it ever could be.
I worked very hard and saw a huge amount of physical recovery from my neurological hell, and I thank my lucky stars every day for that. But the biggest blows from this DNS have been the ones to my mental, emotional and spiritual health. And by spiritual health I don't mean that a religious faith in me was shattered, I mean that my spirit was broken. Once my physical recovery had reached a satisfactory point, I had to figure out how to reintegrate into society: the hardest part. I had some serious demons to face here, and some were honestly hanging on from long before this brain injury ever occurred. For about a year I was lost, terrified, insecure, angry and depressed all at the same time. Nothing seemed truly promising. I didn't really know how I could possibly fit into this world anymore. Now I see that I wasn't allowing the transformation I truly needed to take place.
Once I acknowledged the deep-seated roots of my setbacks and truly listened to my pain, things started looking up really fast. Now I have more hope than I've EVER had (not that I have it all figured out or anything). I'm still coming out of this Dark Night of the Soul and being transformed from it, but I really feel the transformation already taking hold. And I really needed it. It's made me into a better version of myself, and that's what Dark Nights of the Soul are good for. My thoughtful, emotional and spiritual aspects are on the mend and I'm fully acknowledging their power. It's important. And now I sort of think that the awful DNS I just went through came at the perfect time. But I'm not going to fully embrace that yet, because it hurts and I'm still stubbornly dragging my ass out of it.
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References:
Saint John of the Cross and North, Wyatt. 2014. Dark Night of the Soul. Wyatt North Publishing, LLC.
May, Gerald G. 2009. The Dark Night of the Soul: A Psychiatrist Explores the Connection Between Darkness and Spiritual Growth. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.
Pals, Jennifer L. 2006. “Narrative Identity Processing of Difficult Life Experiences: Pathways of Personality Development and Positive Self-Transformation in Adulthood.” Journal of Personality 74(4): 1079-1110.